EXPOSED: Exciting new civilization

 
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SAOL
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PostPosted: Sun Sep 13, 2015 3:42 pm    Post subject: EXPOSED: Exciting new civilization

In the latest modding report, Tilanus mistakenly revealed the Testies Civilization.

He went on, unprovoked, to say
Tilanus Commodor wrote:
They're not a ref to testicles! Devil

Clearly, this is an attempt to fool us! He's trying to cover up the mistake of revealing his surprise civilization by bluffing! I don't blame him for it - it's his job. It is, however, our job as NE fans to speculate. And that we must, because we don't know much about this civilization, other than the fact that they are about testicles and that they will use the EU flag.

The Testies

Flag


Leader
Since the flag is the one of the EU, the leader will probably be an EU leader. My bet is actually for the current leader, Donald "double-chin" Tusk.
Spoiler:


Image has been lightly edited for beauty



Civilization traits
Obviously the Testies must be an all male civilization; no female settlers. This should mean that they are at an economic disadvantage compared to other civilizations, and that new settlers and units train more slowly. It requires an aggressive play-style due to the lack of female-level headedness. The Testies also are a potent maritime civilization thanks to good supply of top-quality sea-men.

Units
All civilizations share a number of units, and that will probably be true for the Testies as well. The interesting question is what the unique units will be like.

  • Explorer - the Flasher
    The Testies could have a unique explorer in the Flasher, a unit which is naked underneath its long coat. To attack, the explorer flashes his testicles to the enemy, depleting their fighting spirit and will to live in the process - some will suffer immediate death due to the horrible sight. A certain percentage of flashed enemy units will however become interested and infatuated with the Flasher's way of life and instead convert and become Novice Flashers. It's similar to the Chinese explorer and his disciples.
    Spoiler:



  • The Avocado Warrior
    Avocado, as we all know, means testicle in the Nahuatl language. Seems plausible then, that it'd be a unique unit. It's probably archaic unit, equipped with a javelin or slingshot to fire avocado seeds. They are quite big and heavy, and could do a lot of damage.
    Spoiler:



  • Bush Cricket Swarm
    The Bush Cricket has some of the largest testicles in relation to it's body size in the animal kingdom. It only makes sense that it would make an appearance. As a unit it is very interesting, because although it cannot deal a great deal of damage, it cannot be targeted or killed by enemy forces. It is, however, not long lived and will automatically die after a period of time.
    Spoiler:



Cards and technologies
This is trickier. We can only guess. A few seems given, however.

  • A close shave
    A close shave of the scrotum reduces the air resistance of your units, allowing them to move faster.


  • Freeballing
    Lower temperatures for your testicles increases the condition for spermatozoa with XY chromosomes, making settlers faster to train.


  • The colour blue
    Forced abstinence make your soldiers frustrated and more fierce in battle.


  • Castrato
    God takes pleasure from the sweet singing voices of castrato singers, granting you an XP trickle rate.


  • Rocky Mountain oysters
    This hearty dish made from testicles gives your soldiers a health boost.


So, what do you guys think? Do you have any other ideas or guesses as to what might be featured in this civilization? Speak up and I can add it to the list! Mr. Green
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Engman
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PostPosted: Sun Sep 13, 2015 4:12 pm    Post subject:

My man parts are tingling with excitement over this new civ!
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GamerLuna
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PostPosted: Sun Sep 13, 2015 4:36 pm    Post subject:

Fuck persians this is where the sweet man juice is. 10/10 best civ ever.
Also add the mighty "aid of the buttocks card " adds 10 spies , as we now the buttocks are mighty distracting.
Thank god for Tilanus Testicles , AoE wouldnt be the same without them.
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CasualBeta
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PostPosted: Sun Sep 13, 2015 8:03 pm    Post subject:

hummm...interesting...
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Ande59
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PostPosted: Wed Sep 16, 2015 7:41 am    Post subject:


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SAOL
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PostPosted: Wed Sep 16, 2015 3:43 pm    Post subject:

Because it makes the baby Jesus cry? Confused
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